Silver Lining

Ok Blog......we gotta make this post work. I've started, I think, six or so posts this past month.....aaaand.....it's obvious that nothing has actually made it to the publish button.

I'm gonna make this one go there though! ..............I hope.

I have so much on my mind, I think that's why none of my posts have been published. All of my posts have been here........and there......and really, everywhere and nothing is making sense when I type. I just gotta calm down, I guess! Ha ha.

First and foremost, the main thing that is on my mind, is the fact that I'm not starting school this year.

I may or may not be having a complete melodramatic break down over this fact.

(Sometimes I'm irrational........and sometimes I choose to blog about it........this is one of those times........)

It feels SO weird to not be starting school again. It feels weird not being a student anymore. But I think it feels even weirder not being a teacher (k, I was never a teacher) anymore. Ever since my senior year of high school (which might as well be twenty years ago for how much I'm exaggerating) I've worked in schools...I've been a teacher-of-sorts.

Most of my life I was convinced that I was going to teach elementary school. It's just weird trying to erase the idea of being an eternal school goer, when most of my life I thought I was going to be.

Oh well, I guess I can move on.

Moving on is weird. Growing up is weird. Getting over things is even weirder.

I don't think I'm very good at getting over things, and I'm definitely not good at growing up. I feel like I've grown up a lot this year (even though up until this point in this post you'd never think that about me, ha ha).

I dare say this year has been one of the hardest for me, even though I don't want to admit it. Admitting is part of the "getting over it" process though, right? Admitting is the first step? 

It's interesting as I've gone through these past couple of months how I've evaluated life and thought about everything that's happening around me. I've been so egocentric and selfish this past while, but at the same time I've been kicking myself to think about other people.

Lose yourself and go to work.

That's so much harder than it should be. 

Amid all of this evaluation of life I've come to the conclusion that 'you never really know what another person is going through'. I've always heard people say that....I've nodded my head and internally said..."yeah yeah yeah, I get it, I know." (when really I've had no idea)

I think in most people's lives that phrase miraculously hits you like a ton of bricks one day and you can finally say: "Ok, I really do know what that means."

So where is the silver lining?

I've come to learn that it's pretty much everywhere, you just have to open your eyes and look for it.

I made a Facebook status today about my job and how it breaks my heart on a regular basis. As much as I hate to watch other people go through hard things, it makes me that much more grateful for everything I have in my life.

I left my last session of work today nearly in tears cause the mom I was talking to made me so sad! Oh my goodness, I feel so bad for so many of the families I work with. This mom is from Mexico and is SUPER bilingual. She talks to her children in Spanglish.........and Spanglish only, ha ha. I'm glad I know Spanish enough to know what she's shouting at her children at any given moment.

Before I left today she was telling me about her son who I work with and how sad it makes her that he can't be like other children. She said: "They told me that he has........asp.....aspergers? I was reading things about it, but I don't know anything about it." She just kept talking and telling me how hard everything is and I was seriously going to lose it, listening to her snapped my heart in half.

I really do love my job despite how emotional it makes me. It's so rewarding to see the children I work with make the progress that they do. It's even better to see their parents happy and feel good about their child's behavior. I'm very glad I got this job. Even though it's not in a school and doesn't technically make me a teacher.......it's still perfect, I think. :)

Because of the new school year my schedule at work is changing. All of the kids I work with will be in school (pre-school/head start etc.) so they can't have therapy during the day. Since that's the case I'll be working six hours a day, but with a big four hour gap in the middle, ha ha. Three hours, four hour break, another three hours. Weird, huh? It'll be good though in many ways. I'm going to be able to devote a good chunk of that time to my second job........playing the harp.

I've never done that, so it's going to be really good. My mom and husband both get so mad at me that I haven't played as much as I should. .............cause really, I don't play anywhere as much as I should.

I really should end this post with saying how blessed I feel. I have so much going for me and so many things that help me feel love from my Father in Heaven. I have the most tolerant (seriously), compassionate husband. He never stops trying to make me happy. I have the greatest parents (all three sets of them) a girl could ask for. I always know that they love me.

I'm going to leave you with a quote that I found recently that I've decided needs to play on repeat in my head always.....I love Elder Holland... :)

“God expects you to have enough faith and determination and enough trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. In fact, He expects you not simply to face the future (that sounds pretty grim and stoic); He expects you to embrace and shape the future--to love it and rejoice in it and delight in your opportunities.

God is anxiously waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can't if you don't pray, and He can't if you don't dream. In short, He can't if you don't believe.”


-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland


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