I started a post similar to this the other day, but it was full of rage.
It WAS about things I have learned about the world, during the craziness of this time.
God was NO where to be found in that post.
Maybe I'll post that one someday, but today I'm thinking about the goodness of God for ME personally at this time.
How He has helped me look at life through Heaven's eyes.
But first....
Do you know me?
Maybe not.
That's okay.
Let me tell you something about myself:
I don't stay still long.
The first several years of my motherhood I combated with myself and justified with myself that getting out of the house and going somewhere was what I did.
And I did!
I took my kids everywhere.
EVERY single day. Without fail. We went somewhere.
We LOVED it. We really did. My kids were well behaved in public, I loved letting them learn through the community.
Well, that completely halted in March of this year. Something that came crashing and burning in our faces was.... going places. Freely and easily going places. That was, and still is to some point, no more.
Another thing... which this one I feel terrible admitting, though I know I'm not alone in.... I really struggled having Jeff home more than the weekends.
If he was ever sick (I mean, especially, right? Man cold?) home from work for the day. Oy, struggle.
Even on days where he wasn't sick, but likely could have been doing a myriad of helpful things. Ugh, struggle.
Why was this?
This person. This man. This dude that I love more than the FREAKIN AIR I BREATHE.
This guy that I love more than anyone, why was it hard having him home all the time?
Is that just life? Sometimes we bug the crap out of each other?
So much of it, looking back came down to the root of one evil:
Comparison.
Oh my goodness, I pour my whole heart and soul and LIFE into my motherhood.
WHICH, is indeed, why I look so haggard all the time.
Which, is why I am so tired all the time.
But nonetheless, I do absolutely everything for these dang people.
Comparison or keeping a score card with parenthood, with marriage, with your partner is so so so so so...
It's so so so so...
Not good.
......
Then God gifted us with a pandemic.
A global crisis.
Something nobody in my generation has ever seen.
Oh.....
I guess he's working from home now.
I guess this isn't going away.
I guess this is way, way more than two weeks.
An initial emotion was panic..... but then...
I felt my heart changing, which can only be divine intervention, because I can be pretty stubborn.
I started seeing what we individually (all five of us, but especially Jeff and I) do for our family.
That mental score card was ripped up and thrown out.
What once was panic that he might be home endlessly, started being something really good for my heart.
Jeff has been home, working from home, for over five months now.
Boy, it has been a long time. So so long.
What I have learned from having him home is that God wants families to be together.
He wants us to spend the time together and appreciate all the good and the bad that is this life.
From being home so much, I have seen my kids calm down more, not be so antsy to do the next fun thing. I have seen them sit down and play with their toys more than they ever did previously. They have learned to do things on their own, rather than have me right there ready to help.
I know that God wanted me to learn to just be okay.
Because truly my skittishness is the opposite of chill.
My up tightness makes it hard sometimes. It makes me overly critical, which I know now that I was with Jeff. Even if I never voiced it to him (sometimes I did), it was hurting me more than anything.
I know that God needed to heal me in this way. He wanted me to slow down.
More than anything, I think most people has learned how to slow down during this pandemic.
And maybe if we haven't, there is still time to do it.
When before Jeff was gone at work all day, he wasn't as engaged in our life at home with the kids. Now he very graciously helps with them throughout the day and that mental load. I can see firsthand how we work together and how unique we are.
Being together so much has taught me what our Father in Heaven wants for us. He wants us to be a family forever.
We have crazy days still.
Our home doesn't usually feel like Heaven with the screams and the crying.
But through these life altering times, I have learned to see where my focus needs to be.
I have learned that I can be still. I can be calm.
I know that God gives us families to make us happy. I know our home can be a Heaven on Earth. I hope to keep working everyday so we can get there.
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