I have this characteristic about me that's different from most people.
I go completely out of my way, even changing things about myself sometimes, to not make people feel awkward.
Does it work?
Sometimes. Most of the time.
I think I still end making some people feel awkward though.
If people call me by the wrong name....
I let them.
If someone mistakes my age and thinks I'm WAY younger or older (the older kind never happens, but we'll pretend)..........
I let them.
If they say something about my family that's totally wrong, but not offensive and I know I'll probably never see that person again....
I just let them believe what they've said and go on their merry way.
I'M SO WEIRD.
I understand this.
I understand it's weird not to correct a person on things like this, but I just hate making people feel awkward and apologetic.
I hate the awkward pause in conversations.....ugh.
Why.
Why brain why!?!
Prime example....
About a month ago I got my wisdom teeth out.
A week or so later one side of my mouth was still hurting so I went back in to the dentist just to have him look at it.
The dental assistant was a pretty perky younger girl (probably 19 or 20) and was complimenting me on all of these things. (including my braid, which looked like a rat's nest, so I don't know what she was thinking, but that's besides the point)
I could tell by the tone of her voice that she was kind of talking down to me, not in a rude way, just in a...."I know you're younger than me you cute little girl with the cute little braid so I'm going to talk to you like you're younger than me" kind of way.
After the dentist checked me, the dental assistant walked me to the front door like they do with everyone and that's when it happened.....the conversation of me dodging the awkwardness, but probably actually it more awkward, cause that's how I roll....
Dental assistant: "Okay, you're good to go! Are you going back to school now!?"
*Aka she thought I was in high school.....aka she thought I was 17*
Me: *super confused look, but then realizing what she meant* "Ohh....uh....yep. kthanksbye."
And then I be lined it for the outside where I laughed probably louder than I should have.
Seriously, what's my deal?
I could have said: "Well, I'm 25...(which I know is older than you)...married, with a 8 month old baby, so NO I'm not going to school today, I'm gonna go continue my life as a stay at home mom."
Or the more human way probably would have been: "Ha...ha, oh I'm not in school, just going home, thanks byeee!!"
Who knows.
I'm just strange.
I can be so outgoing and articulate and sociable with people I'm 100% comfortable with.
Sometimes even with people I'm just moderately comfortable with.
The whole stranger/acquaintance thing....I feel like I'm doomed to just always be awkwardly polite.
Doooooomed....
Does that mean it's the end of the world?
Nah, not even close.
It's just painful being shy sometimes.
Being shy is such a huge label. It's a hard label to get out of too.
Once a person sees at a glance or assumes that you're shy that label never leaves their mind. They always see you that way. It never leaves.
You don't know how many times I've been to meetings/gatherings for either school or work and if I've been around the people several times one of the crazy outgoing ones will say something like: "OH my gosh, everyone, LOOK Amber's breaking out of her shell!!!"
Do you realize how that comment just adds about 20 more layers to said shell?
Do you realize that I never even thought there was a shell in the first place?
That I probably just thought that I was being normal, contributing my part, etc.
Oh bother.
I think that's the 1,943rd reason why I love love love little kids and have such a passion for early childhood development. I can be myself around kids and they aren't going to judge me and my supposed shell or my sometimes awkward way that I don't correct people and their misconceptions of me.
Kids just wanna play! They don't even care what my name is half the time, they just want to see what I look like as a dinosaur or what my skills are at stacking all the blocks.
All they care about is if I can read a book to them and make it come alive.
Or if we're going clear down to my daughter and nephew's age they really only care about if I can crawl and chase them into the kitchen, or if I can hide my face behind my hands and then reappear magically a couple seconds later.
Kids are great. And really, I never feel awkward around them.
Monday, March 30, 2015
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Nicknames
I've been laughing at myself recently, because I seriously have 10+ nicknames for Grace. I call her SO many different things, I have to actually intentionally think to call her "Grace" just so she might know what her name is someday.
That's a lie....she totally knows what her name is. She turns when we say her name all the time! And that's not based on her just hearing our voices, it's truly cause she knows that's her name.
Anyways, I just wanted to document all of the names I've been calling her, just so I remember. She might laugh at reading what they were someday, because I know as she gets older the list will probably shrink and a lot of these will disappear.
Jeff has a couple nicknames for her (aka some of mine), but his list is miniature compared to mine.
Jeff's Nicknames for Grace:
Gracie Goo
Sweetheart
Baby Girl
My Nicknames for Grace:
Gracie Goo
Gracie Grace
Gracie
Grace Eden
Eden
Miss Goos
Miss Bubs
Miss Eden
Miss Kin
Kins
Bubs
Bubbas
Baby Girl
Sweetheart
Sweets
Baby
Baeba
Lil Stink
18,,,,,not bad. Ha ha....I have a problem with excessive nicknaming.
I've actually been using "Grace Eden" A LOT lately. It seems to be the one that slips off my tongue the most recently.
I love my baby! And all of her names! I know a lot of them don't make sense, but that's a story for another day.
That's a lie....she totally knows what her name is. She turns when we say her name all the time! And that's not based on her just hearing our voices, it's truly cause she knows that's her name.
Anyways, I just wanted to document all of the names I've been calling her, just so I remember. She might laugh at reading what they were someday, because I know as she gets older the list will probably shrink and a lot of these will disappear.
Jeff has a couple nicknames for her (aka some of mine), but his list is miniature compared to mine.
Jeff's Nicknames for Grace:
Gracie Goo
Sweetheart
Baby Girl
My Nicknames for Grace:
Gracie Goo
Gracie Grace
Gracie
Grace Eden
Eden
Miss Goos
Miss Bubs
Miss Eden
Miss Kin
Kins
Bubs
Bubbas
Baby Girl
Sweetheart
Sweets
Baby
Baeba
Lil Stink
18,,,,,not bad. Ha ha....I have a problem with excessive nicknaming.
I've actually been using "Grace Eden" A LOT lately. It seems to be the one that slips off my tongue the most recently.
I love my baby! And all of her names! I know a lot of them don't make sense, but that's a story for another day.
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Comfortable
My baby does this thing now called "napping" and it's actually pretty wonderful. But at the same time, I'm so used to her needing me all day that I kind of miss her when she naps.
I'm weird.
So very weird.
Anyways, I guess in a way she's always "napped", but the first eight months of her life it was always 4 half hour naps a day. Do you realize how fast a half hour goes? Especially when you're exhausted from taking care of a baby?
So yeah, I never really considered those real, good enough naps. But the past couple of days she's been taking a couple hour and a half....count 'em....NINETY MINUTE! naps, which is great.
Miracles do happen people.
Truly.
Moving on...
I'm a big fan of Al Carraway (Aka Al Fox "the tattooed Mormon") and I follow her on Instagram. She always posts the most inspirational, uplifting things. I love it.
A couple weeks ago she posted a picture with the caption:
It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks when I read it and it has resonated with me ever since.
I've known for the past couple of months that things will be changing.
I've watched as Jeff has worked so tirelessly at his job and school and being the provider that he is. I knew something was going to have to give, because he has taken on way more than anyone ever should.
His schedule goes something like this....EVERY DAY....
6:00 Wake up, get ready, go to work.
7:00-3:00 Work work work at a job where he has a lot of responsibility, the work can be tedious, and he's in a management position so there's all of that goodness tacked on too.
3:00 Drive to school
3:30-9:00 Learn learn learn from his masters level classes.
9:00 Come home
9:30-11:00....or 12:00 or 1:00 AM...Maybe eat food, but mostly just do homework.
So busy.
Okay, so maybe he doesn't have class Thursdays and Fridays. But he does work longer hours and does homework longer hours on those days. So really....it's all just a big blur of busy.
We've realized that this kind of lifestyle won't be possible in the fall (his last semester), because he needs to be available to apply, interview, and get recruited for a job to start in January.
Because of that, like I said, something has to give.
We've thought about all the options, and really the best one will probably be for Jeff to quit or go very part time with his job so he can have enough time to find his career job.
The public accounting firms in the area go to Weber and recruit their students on campus. Or they will hold open houses for their company. They'll have certain events where Jeff could go learn about them, meet them, try to get interviews with them......but none of that will be possible if he's working. There literally just isn't enough time in the day for him to make that happen.
So really, I'm probably going to have to go back to work for four months - September to December - while all of this is going down.
I never really thought that that would ever happen after I had a baby. I really never did. Jeff didn't either. But really, it makes the most sense.
And like I said, that Al Carraway quote has just been eating away at me as I've thought about all of this.
I HAVE gotten comfortable being at home with Grace. I am very comfortable with where I am in life.
But at the same time, it's hard watching Jeff work so much and be so stressed.
So do I want to go back to work?
Maybe.
Do I want it to be full-time?
No.
Do I want it to be longer than those four months?
Not really.
Would I want to go back and work with the autism therapy like I did before?
YES!!!
Honestly, I would hope that would be what I would do. I miss that job often.
When we get comfortable we stop growing. It's so true. For me. For my family. For everyone.
And I always want to keep growing and keep getting better.
So nothing is for certain yet. But I do know that I want to do what is best for my family. I really do.
I'm weird.
So very weird.
Anyways, I guess in a way she's always "napped", but the first eight months of her life it was always 4 half hour naps a day. Do you realize how fast a half hour goes? Especially when you're exhausted from taking care of a baby?
So yeah, I never really considered those real, good enough naps. But the past couple of days she's been taking a couple hour and a half....count 'em....NINETY MINUTE! naps, which is great.
Miracles do happen people.
Truly.
Moving on...
I'm a big fan of Al Carraway (Aka Al Fox "the tattooed Mormon") and I follow her on Instagram. She always posts the most inspirational, uplifting things. I love it.
A couple weeks ago she posted a picture with the caption:
"When we get comfortable we stop growing."
It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks when I read it and it has resonated with me ever since.
I've known for the past couple of months that things will be changing.
I've watched as Jeff has worked so tirelessly at his job and school and being the provider that he is. I knew something was going to have to give, because he has taken on way more than anyone ever should.
His schedule goes something like this....EVERY DAY....
6:00 Wake up, get ready, go to work.
7:00-3:00 Work work work at a job where he has a lot of responsibility, the work can be tedious, and he's in a management position so there's all of that goodness tacked on too.
3:00 Drive to school
3:30-9:00 Learn learn learn from his masters level classes.
9:00 Come home
9:30-11:00....or 12:00 or 1:00 AM...Maybe eat food, but mostly just do homework.
So busy.
Okay, so maybe he doesn't have class Thursdays and Fridays. But he does work longer hours and does homework longer hours on those days. So really....it's all just a big blur of busy.
We've realized that this kind of lifestyle won't be possible in the fall (his last semester), because he needs to be available to apply, interview, and get recruited for a job to start in January.
Because of that, like I said, something has to give.
We've thought about all the options, and really the best one will probably be for Jeff to quit or go very part time with his job so he can have enough time to find his career job.
The public accounting firms in the area go to Weber and recruit their students on campus. Or they will hold open houses for their company. They'll have certain events where Jeff could go learn about them, meet them, try to get interviews with them......but none of that will be possible if he's working. There literally just isn't enough time in the day for him to make that happen.
So really, I'm probably going to have to go back to work for four months - September to December - while all of this is going down.
I never really thought that that would ever happen after I had a baby. I really never did. Jeff didn't either. But really, it makes the most sense.
And like I said, that Al Carraway quote has just been eating away at me as I've thought about all of this.
I HAVE gotten comfortable being at home with Grace. I am very comfortable with where I am in life.
But at the same time, it's hard watching Jeff work so much and be so stressed.
So do I want to go back to work?
Maybe.
Do I want it to be full-time?
No.
Do I want it to be longer than those four months?
Not really.
Would I want to go back and work with the autism therapy like I did before?
YES!!!
Honestly, I would hope that would be what I would do. I miss that job often.
When we get comfortable we stop growing. It's so true. For me. For my family. For everyone.
And I always want to keep growing and keep getting better.
So nothing is for certain yet. But I do know that I want to do what is best for my family. I really do.
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Never Happy While Discovering the World
Being responsible for a tiny human is way different than you ever think it's going to be.
You end up caring SO much about the tiniest, stupidest, littlest, weirdest things.
I've been surprised at how many times I've found myself worrying that Grace isn't going to get past a phase.
When she was a tiny newborn she basically only wanted to sleep on me. And I worried she wouldn't be able to get past that.
She did. Much sooner than I thought too.
The list goes on and on....
-Sleeping longer than 3 hours
-Having to be swaddled to sleep
-Only sleeping in our room
-Flipping to her stomach in her sleep
-Not wanting to nap in her crib
-Sitting up in her sleep
Can you see that all of these are sleep related? There are others that are non-sleep related, but those were never really as worrisome. I think the sleep thing is worrisome because you're not physically with them when they're sleeping so you don't know what's going on. I'm with her every minute of her waking hours, so I know exactly what the deal is. Ha ha.
But the silly part about the sleeping things is, all of them only lasted a week and then Grace transitioned, figured it out, and it all started being more normal.
Babies really are a blank slate when it comes to discovering how to live.
They truly are just trying to figure it out. And now that I've watched Grace figure out so many of these things I've realized that being patient and understanding your baby is the key to helping her figure it all out.
That's the biggest thing with babies, is reading their cues and learning to understand them.
I see my friends on Facebook all the time SO (so so so so SOO so) frustrated because they have no idea what to do with their baby. Every baby is so different. And I'm sure most are much harder to read than Grace. For that, I'm very grateful that she's such a good little one.
Jeff and I always say that the rest of our kids are going to be awful at sleeping, eating, living (ha ha), etc. We say that they are going to be super grumpy babies, because we were so lucky to start out with Grace. She's really a delightful, good baby.
She's such a strong-willed little person, but in the best way.
She's always wanted to do things she can't do.....which is where the title of this post comes from "never happy while discovering the world".
When Grace was a newborn she was never happy just laying down, she wanted to be up.
She rolled early for her age, because she was never happy just laying still.
She sat up early, because she was never happy being down.
She skipped scooting altogether and just went to crawling, because she was never happy just being in one place.
And now she's pulling herself up on EVERYTHING, because she's never happy just being horizontal and down.
She's such a strong little baby. She always has been. I vividly remember her being 2 days old in the hospital bassinet and pulling herself onto her side because she thought that was more comfortable.
Jeff's told me she already reminds him so much of me, because I'm "never happy". Ha ha ha ha ha. Meaning I'm never happy with where I am in life. I'm always looking to the future, where we're going next, what we need to do to get there, what needs to happen. It's very true, I've always been like that, and it's already manifesting itself in Grace.
It's both a blessing and a curse, because it means I'm ambitious, but it also means I'm impatient.
Those are probably words I'd use to describe Grace too. Ambitiously impatient. She's always tried to be older than she really is.
I should point out though, when I say she's "never happy", I don't mean that literally. On the contrary, she's really the happiest person I know.
She has two faces....seriously, only two.....
1. Smiling from ear to ear
2. Concentrated figuring something out
I can't wait to see what she's like as she gets older. I love when her personality shines through and we can see so clearly what she's thinking, feeling, experiencing...
Can you tell that I love my baby?
I'm a little biased, but it's my blog so I'm allowed to be, right??
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Our Baby Story
I realized that I've never fully written the story of Grace's birth.
I also thought I'd write a little before and after the birth explanation of our wonderful Gracie Goo too.
She's almost 8 months old! I need to remember these precious things.
Getting pregnant with Grace was the hardest trial I've ever gone through.
It took us a year (literally, October to October) to get pregnant.
It's amazing how I can look back at all of those difficult months, and really appreciate what I learned from it. I can look at the experiences that I was able to have that I wouldn't have been able to have if I had gotten pregnant fast/had a baby fast. I'll always be grateful for that.
I was diagnosed with poly-cystic ovarian syndrome, which is actually a lot more common than I ever thought. In its most mild form it can be handled with really healthy diet and exercise. No carbs, mostly fruits and veggies, basically becoming a rabbit. Well, meat and other healthy whole foods are encouraged too. So a carnivorous rabbit? Ha.
The hard thing was though....I never learned how to live that way. I was determined to do it though, because I really wanted a baby. So since I had just been told that I have a chronic condition and unless I live ultra healthy I can't have a baby... I needed to do it.
Over the next couple of months I lost 30 pounds. I was being so good and so healthy with everything I was doing.
But I still wasn't getting pregnant.
More time went by. I ended up going on medication, because the diet and exercise wasn't being enough. It had been about 9 or 10 months since I was diagnosed by now. At this point I was very depressed. People who had no idea about my situation joked about how I should get pregnant. I saw babies everywhere I went. I started getting really bitter.
I wanted to give up on it all, but I knew that God wanted me to be a mother someday and I had to keep trying.
I decided to just forget about timing and let it happen how it was suppose to. I decided instead of being sad about it I needed to have faith.
"The future is as bright as your faith." -President Monson
And eventually, just when I least expected it we got pregnant with Grace!
My pregnancy was easy. I actually loved being pregnant! I kind of miss it, honestly. There is something very powerful about knowing that you are 100% protecting, nurturing, and GROWING a little human inside you.
I never got sick while I was pregnant which was a huge blessing! I was working in the homes of autistic children....and that would have been awkward if I had been sick during all of that time. It wasn't really a situation where I could get away with being sick, ha ha. So I'm so thankful I wasn't!
Around my six month mark of pregnancy I had to do the test for gestational diabetes. ALSO a very common thing that I never knew about. My heart completely sank when I found out I had it.
Gestational diabetes is completely genetic (my mom actually had it with me and my brother), much like poly-cystic ovarian syndrome. But it came with the same situation. Eating like a rabbit. Only this time I had to check my blood sugar several times a day.
Again, I was determined to be healthy. My baby needed me to be. And luckily I was still in a lot of good habits from when I had to change to that lifestyle before.
Fast forward to the middle of June.
My OBGYN and I never really saw eye to eye. He was about to retire and it really showed in his work, because he didn't really care about me as a patient. That little bit of information comes into play later in the story.
(Hindsight: It's amazing all the things that you realize you can do differently after the fact. I knew throughout my pregnancy that I wanted a different doctor, but I never knew that was really an option.)
So on to the labor and delivery part!
Grace was due on July 4th, but I went into labor the morning of June 25th.
I had already been dilating pretty high for a first time mom, so I kind of knew it'd be earlier than my due date. I think the week before I had her I was dilated to a 4. My mom was shocked when I told her that. She couldn't imagine me just walking around, living life at a 4. Ha ha. Kind of funny.
The morning of the 25th I woke up with really bad contractions. I remember it was about 3:30 in the morning. I didn't want to wake up Jeff quite yet, so I just laid there and wondered how long I was supposed to wait till we went to the hospital. Around 5:00 or so I woke Jeff up and told him I was in a lot of pain. We started keeping track of the frequency of my contractions and they were happening every 4 minutes. Within another half hour they were every 2-3 minutes. We knew we needed to go to the hospital at this point. I was in so much pain and Jeff had no idea how to help me.
Husbands are the best. They get thrown into these situations where they are expected to comfort their wives, when their wives are in so much pain, so they really can't do anything. In my case I didn't know what I wanted. I would shoo Jeff away cause I didn't want anybody touching me, but at the same time I wanted comfort.
Labor is weird.
We got to the hospital around 6:30 and I was grimacing trying not to show how much pain I was in. I wanted to wail and scream, but I held it together pretty well.
I remember going up the elevator with about 5 or 6 other people and they all could tell I was about to have a baby. They all smiled and told us good luck.....and we needed it!
We got checked in and the ladies at the desk had NO idea how much pain I was in, because they just lead us to our room and said the nurse would come in in awhile.
Another hindsight.......tell them you need the nurse immediately! It's okay to act like you're going to die.
So we waited about 20 minutes for the nurse, because the medical staff didn't know how urgent my pain was. I just walked around the room writhing. Jeff called and asked for the nurse a couple times, but again, I just think they had no idea, ha ha.
The nurse finally came and saw how miserable I was. I've never seen a nurse work that fast before. She checked me and I was dilated to a five. After that she was freaking out, because again, she had no idea, ha ha ha. It's all kind of comical now.
They called in the anesthesiologist immediately to give me an epidural.
The epidural was a piece of cake. I didn't even care if it was going to hurt, because I knew nothing could hurt worse than the pain I was already in.
By about 8:00 AM I was sitting in the hospital bed as happy as a clam. Little did I know I'd be sitting there for 15 more hours before I'd have my new baby with me.
That whole day is such a blur, and yet I remember it so vividly too.
How that's possible, I don't know. It probably has something to do with the drugs I was on, ha ha.
I was so tired from the epidural that I slept most of the day.
I remember trying to play Phase 10 with Jeff, my mom, and Chelsea around 10:00 or 11:00, but after that I was passed out.
Again, I feel so bad for Jeff. He just had to sit there ALL day being so antsy and clueless about what to do.
I was progressing, but it was slow going. At some point in the early afternoon they broke my water. It was still being slow. Later they started pitocin and it got a little better.
Around 7:00 PM my doctor came in and said we would have to do a C-section soon if I didn't progress.
I was MORTIFIED.
I had marched into this hospital in horrendous pain at a FIVE and after all of this I'd have to have a C-section??
Jeff was my rock and tried everything he could to figure out if there was a different way.
At this point I was dilated to an eight.
Ultimately what ended up happening was my doctor just wanted to go home for the night so he wanted to do a C-section and be done with it.
When my nurse realized that that's what was happening she sat us down (ok, I was already down, whatever) and told us that I was progressing great, I was almost there, if she could get me up and in some different positions she knew I could be ready to have my baby soon. She knew I didn't need a C-section and kept telling us not to do it.
My doctor caught wind that she was saying these things to us and came back in throwing a bunch of doctor jargon at us saying that if I didn't do the C-section this and this and that and a whole bunch of horrible things would happen. Jeff and I were SO confused and so frustrated, we had no idea what to do.
We felt better trusting the nurse, and honestly I think the spirit was telling me to trust her, but it was just so hard to know what to do.
At one point my doctor and the nurse yelled at each other in front of Jeff and I about the whole situation. And later we found out that he had threatened her in the hallway afterwards that he'd write her up about all of this.
Oh my goodness, drama!!
Jeff (and I think his dad and Dave....who knows if they were there, I was so out of it) gave me a priesthood blessing and I could feel the frustrations melt away. I knew I didn't want to do a C-section, and I knew I didn't need to. So we stuck to it and told our doctor no.
That nurse was amazing. She really was heaven sent. If it wasn't for her and the knowledge that she brought to the table I would have had a C-section that was completely unnecessary. I know she was our nurse for a reason. Things work out how they are supposed to, even if it doesn't seem like it in the moment.
Around 11:00 PM I was ready to push. I ended up pushing for about 40-45 minutes and then Grace was born!
She was officially born at 11:50 PM. Much later than I had ever thought when I arrived at the hospital that morning.
I remember Jeff and the nurse encouraging me to push and it was so cool to see Jeff so proud of me! He just kept saying "you're doing great, sweetheart...keep going."
I just love him.
I'm so glad I rely on him.
When Grace came out I remember thinking she was a perfect sphere. She was a scrunched up little ball, which is honestly something I never would have pictured. They put her on me and rubbed her a little bit, but she didn't cry.
They knew something was wrong so they whisked her away to their little table and worked on breathing with her. At the 22 minute mark of her life she finally let out a little noise. She cried a little bit, but even then didn't make too much of a fuss.
I remember sitting there during those 22 minutes staring at the table with my baby girl laying there and I just kept saying, really to nobody in particular: "If she's okay she'd be crying. Why isn't she crying? She's not making any noise, if she was okay she'd be crying."
The nurse who had been our superhero that night reassured me she was okay. In that moment, though, I didn't believe her.
After Grace finally cried I started feeling better. They brought her over to me and I got to REALLY hold her for the first time.
We were all so tired, and I know it showed on all of our faces, but that didn't matter in that moment. I was happy she was breathing and that she could be in my arms. Jeff got to hold her too and we took a couple pictures.
It seemed like just as quickly as she came to us, she was being taken away to a different part of the hospital. They told us that they needed to take her to the transitional nursery to keep an eye on her for 24 hours.
I went through a lot of emotions when they told us this. I knew it'd be okay. I knew she was safe. I knew everything had worked out fine and we were all good. I knew I didn't need to worry. I was so tired and I knew I needed to sleep.
I also knew that this would determine a lot of things though. I knew it meant that we were getting off to a bumpy start. I knew that it'd mean a lot of hard work on my part for breast feeding, bonding, and all of the things that you hope go completely smooth right after the arrival of your baby.
So for the next 24 hours we went and visited her in the transitional nursery. It was hard.
But my motherly instinct came out knowing that nothing else mattered, but knowing she was safe.
We had lots of visitors, mostly our parents. My siblings and Jeff's sister with her husband came too. I was so grateful that I knew our baby had so much love and support in her life already.
The couple of days in the hospital postpartum are the biggest blur to me. We were learning how to be parents and it was a whirlwind.
I remember loading her up into the carseat and taking her home.
I was so scared to drive with her! I felt so unsafe! And we were literally driving 2 minutes, because that's how close we live to McKay Dee.
We got home and just stared at her. And then we'd stare at each other. And then back at her.
We were home.
What were we supposed to do now??
Seriously.....this was our life?
Grace had to eat often, because she was so brand new, and it was really hard. I had no idea what I was doing, but I tried and tried and tried.
It became such a chore trying to figure out how to feed her. Eventually Jeff and I decided that it was more her having a hard time than me. And like I've posted before, we found out when she was six weeks old that she was tongue tied.
In the beginning though we didn't know what was wrong. Jeff was with me helping 24/7.
No man should have to try helping his wife breastfeed. That's just not fair for anybody! But he was the very best at encouraging me. He never wanted me to feel bad about any of it.
He's the sweetest man ever, I'm fairly certain. I know without him I would have gotten so sad.
With him though, I knew I could still be a good mom no matter what ended up happening.
And if you've read my blog post about this previously, you'll know that Grace has ended up being bottle fed.
It was a really hard and sorrowing decision, but it was finally made. And since then our lives have gotten nothing but better!
In the past couple months I have read blogs about mothers with postpartum depression and it is so disheartening to read.
I am so grateful that I haven't gone through what so many other moms go through after having a baby.
Even though I am at home 24/7 taking care of my baby and many people think that's a hard, isolated way to live, I haven't ever gotten sad about it. I can see why so many mothers do get postpartum depression, though, because motherhood is very overwhelming. Somehow I have found my way through it and have been able to dodge those dark thoughts. I can't help but feel very blessed in that regard.
I love my life with my little baby.
She does new things everyday and it's so cute to see her personality shine. She already has a very specific, yet indescribable personality. And I love it!
Having a baby is very much a changing game. Just when you get one thing figured out with their schedule, something else changes. It's a never-ending readjustment. But in a good way.
Through all of the tiny and big parts of our baby story I have learned that patience and faith concur all.
Without faith we have no hope. Without hope we would be nothing.
I'll always try to have hope for the good things and wait out the bad with faith.
I wouldn't trade ANY of the bad that has happened before or after having Grace. I think everything we've experienced has brought us to where we need to be in life.
Now Grace is almost eight months old and she's doing so much! She's pulling herself up on furniture and crawling at the speed of light! She's laughing so much more now and remembers where certain things are around the house. She has about a million nicknames that I'm always changing....so much so that I sometimes I wonder if she'll ever really know what her real name is.
I would have never imagined that a single smile could make me feel so loved and complete. It really does though. I love that little girl!
I know I'd be nowhere without my Gracie Grace and Jeff by my side. They are the best for me.
I also thought I'd write a little before and after the birth explanation of our wonderful Gracie Goo too.
She's almost 8 months old! I need to remember these precious things.
Getting pregnant with Grace was the hardest trial I've ever gone through.
It took us a year (literally, October to October) to get pregnant.
It's amazing how I can look back at all of those difficult months, and really appreciate what I learned from it. I can look at the experiences that I was able to have that I wouldn't have been able to have if I had gotten pregnant fast/had a baby fast. I'll always be grateful for that.
I was diagnosed with poly-cystic ovarian syndrome, which is actually a lot more common than I ever thought. In its most mild form it can be handled with really healthy diet and exercise. No carbs, mostly fruits and veggies, basically becoming a rabbit. Well, meat and other healthy whole foods are encouraged too. So a carnivorous rabbit? Ha.
The hard thing was though....I never learned how to live that way. I was determined to do it though, because I really wanted a baby. So since I had just been told that I have a chronic condition and unless I live ultra healthy I can't have a baby... I needed to do it.
Over the next couple of months I lost 30 pounds. I was being so good and so healthy with everything I was doing.
But I still wasn't getting pregnant.
More time went by. I ended up going on medication, because the diet and exercise wasn't being enough. It had been about 9 or 10 months since I was diagnosed by now. At this point I was very depressed. People who had no idea about my situation joked about how I should get pregnant. I saw babies everywhere I went. I started getting really bitter.
I wanted to give up on it all, but I knew that God wanted me to be a mother someday and I had to keep trying.
I decided to just forget about timing and let it happen how it was suppose to. I decided instead of being sad about it I needed to have faith.
"The future is as bright as your faith." -President Monson
And eventually, just when I least expected it we got pregnant with Grace!
My pregnancy was easy. I actually loved being pregnant! I kind of miss it, honestly. There is something very powerful about knowing that you are 100% protecting, nurturing, and GROWING a little human inside you.
I never got sick while I was pregnant which was a huge blessing! I was working in the homes of autistic children....and that would have been awkward if I had been sick during all of that time. It wasn't really a situation where I could get away with being sick, ha ha. So I'm so thankful I wasn't!
Around my six month mark of pregnancy I had to do the test for gestational diabetes. ALSO a very common thing that I never knew about. My heart completely sank when I found out I had it.
Gestational diabetes is completely genetic (my mom actually had it with me and my brother), much like poly-cystic ovarian syndrome. But it came with the same situation. Eating like a rabbit. Only this time I had to check my blood sugar several times a day.
Again, I was determined to be healthy. My baby needed me to be. And luckily I was still in a lot of good habits from when I had to change to that lifestyle before.
Fast forward to the middle of June.
My OBGYN and I never really saw eye to eye. He was about to retire and it really showed in his work, because he didn't really care about me as a patient. That little bit of information comes into play later in the story.
(Hindsight: It's amazing all the things that you realize you can do differently after the fact. I knew throughout my pregnancy that I wanted a different doctor, but I never knew that was really an option.)
So on to the labor and delivery part!
Grace was due on July 4th, but I went into labor the morning of June 25th.
I had already been dilating pretty high for a first time mom, so I kind of knew it'd be earlier than my due date. I think the week before I had her I was dilated to a 4. My mom was shocked when I told her that. She couldn't imagine me just walking around, living life at a 4. Ha ha. Kind of funny.
The morning of the 25th I woke up with really bad contractions. I remember it was about 3:30 in the morning. I didn't want to wake up Jeff quite yet, so I just laid there and wondered how long I was supposed to wait till we went to the hospital. Around 5:00 or so I woke Jeff up and told him I was in a lot of pain. We started keeping track of the frequency of my contractions and they were happening every 4 minutes. Within another half hour they were every 2-3 minutes. We knew we needed to go to the hospital at this point. I was in so much pain and Jeff had no idea how to help me.
Husbands are the best. They get thrown into these situations where they are expected to comfort their wives, when their wives are in so much pain, so they really can't do anything. In my case I didn't know what I wanted. I would shoo Jeff away cause I didn't want anybody touching me, but at the same time I wanted comfort.
Labor is weird.
We got to the hospital around 6:30 and I was grimacing trying not to show how much pain I was in. I wanted to wail and scream, but I held it together pretty well.
I remember going up the elevator with about 5 or 6 other people and they all could tell I was about to have a baby. They all smiled and told us good luck.....and we needed it!
We got checked in and the ladies at the desk had NO idea how much pain I was in, because they just lead us to our room and said the nurse would come in in awhile.
Another hindsight.......tell them you need the nurse immediately! It's okay to act like you're going to die.
So we waited about 20 minutes for the nurse, because the medical staff didn't know how urgent my pain was. I just walked around the room writhing. Jeff called and asked for the nurse a couple times, but again, I just think they had no idea, ha ha.
The nurse finally came and saw how miserable I was. I've never seen a nurse work that fast before. She checked me and I was dilated to a five. After that she was freaking out, because again, she had no idea, ha ha ha. It's all kind of comical now.
They called in the anesthesiologist immediately to give me an epidural.
The epidural was a piece of cake. I didn't even care if it was going to hurt, because I knew nothing could hurt worse than the pain I was already in.
By about 8:00 AM I was sitting in the hospital bed as happy as a clam. Little did I know I'd be sitting there for 15 more hours before I'd have my new baby with me.
That whole day is such a blur, and yet I remember it so vividly too.
How that's possible, I don't know. It probably has something to do with the drugs I was on, ha ha.
I was so tired from the epidural that I slept most of the day.
I remember trying to play Phase 10 with Jeff, my mom, and Chelsea around 10:00 or 11:00, but after that I was passed out.
Again, I feel so bad for Jeff. He just had to sit there ALL day being so antsy and clueless about what to do.
I was progressing, but it was slow going. At some point in the early afternoon they broke my water. It was still being slow. Later they started pitocin and it got a little better.
Around 7:00 PM my doctor came in and said we would have to do a C-section soon if I didn't progress.
I was MORTIFIED.
I had marched into this hospital in horrendous pain at a FIVE and after all of this I'd have to have a C-section??
Jeff was my rock and tried everything he could to figure out if there was a different way.
At this point I was dilated to an eight.
Ultimately what ended up happening was my doctor just wanted to go home for the night so he wanted to do a C-section and be done with it.
When my nurse realized that that's what was happening she sat us down (ok, I was already down, whatever) and told us that I was progressing great, I was almost there, if she could get me up and in some different positions she knew I could be ready to have my baby soon. She knew I didn't need a C-section and kept telling us not to do it.
My doctor caught wind that she was saying these things to us and came back in throwing a bunch of doctor jargon at us saying that if I didn't do the C-section this and this and that and a whole bunch of horrible things would happen. Jeff and I were SO confused and so frustrated, we had no idea what to do.
We felt better trusting the nurse, and honestly I think the spirit was telling me to trust her, but it was just so hard to know what to do.
At one point my doctor and the nurse yelled at each other in front of Jeff and I about the whole situation. And later we found out that he had threatened her in the hallway afterwards that he'd write her up about all of this.
Oh my goodness, drama!!
Jeff (and I think his dad and Dave....who knows if they were there, I was so out of it) gave me a priesthood blessing and I could feel the frustrations melt away. I knew I didn't want to do a C-section, and I knew I didn't need to. So we stuck to it and told our doctor no.
That nurse was amazing. She really was heaven sent. If it wasn't for her and the knowledge that she brought to the table I would have had a C-section that was completely unnecessary. I know she was our nurse for a reason. Things work out how they are supposed to, even if it doesn't seem like it in the moment.
Around 11:00 PM I was ready to push. I ended up pushing for about 40-45 minutes and then Grace was born!
She was officially born at 11:50 PM. Much later than I had ever thought when I arrived at the hospital that morning.
I remember Jeff and the nurse encouraging me to push and it was so cool to see Jeff so proud of me! He just kept saying "you're doing great, sweetheart...keep going."
I just love him.
I'm so glad I rely on him.
When Grace came out I remember thinking she was a perfect sphere. She was a scrunched up little ball, which is honestly something I never would have pictured. They put her on me and rubbed her a little bit, but she didn't cry.
They knew something was wrong so they whisked her away to their little table and worked on breathing with her. At the 22 minute mark of her life she finally let out a little noise. She cried a little bit, but even then didn't make too much of a fuss.
I remember sitting there during those 22 minutes staring at the table with my baby girl laying there and I just kept saying, really to nobody in particular: "If she's okay she'd be crying. Why isn't she crying? She's not making any noise, if she was okay she'd be crying."
The nurse who had been our superhero that night reassured me she was okay. In that moment, though, I didn't believe her.
After Grace finally cried I started feeling better. They brought her over to me and I got to REALLY hold her for the first time.
We were all so tired, and I know it showed on all of our faces, but that didn't matter in that moment. I was happy she was breathing and that she could be in my arms. Jeff got to hold her too and we took a couple pictures.
It seemed like just as quickly as she came to us, she was being taken away to a different part of the hospital. They told us that they needed to take her to the transitional nursery to keep an eye on her for 24 hours.
I went through a lot of emotions when they told us this. I knew it'd be okay. I knew she was safe. I knew everything had worked out fine and we were all good. I knew I didn't need to worry. I was so tired and I knew I needed to sleep.
I also knew that this would determine a lot of things though. I knew it meant that we were getting off to a bumpy start. I knew that it'd mean a lot of hard work on my part for breast feeding, bonding, and all of the things that you hope go completely smooth right after the arrival of your baby.
So for the next 24 hours we went and visited her in the transitional nursery. It was hard.
But my motherly instinct came out knowing that nothing else mattered, but knowing she was safe.
We had lots of visitors, mostly our parents. My siblings and Jeff's sister with her husband came too. I was so grateful that I knew our baby had so much love and support in her life already.
The couple of days in the hospital postpartum are the biggest blur to me. We were learning how to be parents and it was a whirlwind.
I remember loading her up into the carseat and taking her home.
I was so scared to drive with her! I felt so unsafe! And we were literally driving 2 minutes, because that's how close we live to McKay Dee.
We got home and just stared at her. And then we'd stare at each other. And then back at her.
We were home.
What were we supposed to do now??
Seriously.....this was our life?
Grace had to eat often, because she was so brand new, and it was really hard. I had no idea what I was doing, but I tried and tried and tried.
It became such a chore trying to figure out how to feed her. Eventually Jeff and I decided that it was more her having a hard time than me. And like I've posted before, we found out when she was six weeks old that she was tongue tied.
In the beginning though we didn't know what was wrong. Jeff was with me helping 24/7.
No man should have to try helping his wife breastfeed. That's just not fair for anybody! But he was the very best at encouraging me. He never wanted me to feel bad about any of it.
He's the sweetest man ever, I'm fairly certain. I know without him I would have gotten so sad.
With him though, I knew I could still be a good mom no matter what ended up happening.
And if you've read my blog post about this previously, you'll know that Grace has ended up being bottle fed.
It was a really hard and sorrowing decision, but it was finally made. And since then our lives have gotten nothing but better!
In the past couple months I have read blogs about mothers with postpartum depression and it is so disheartening to read.
I am so grateful that I haven't gone through what so many other moms go through after having a baby.
Even though I am at home 24/7 taking care of my baby and many people think that's a hard, isolated way to live, I haven't ever gotten sad about it. I can see why so many mothers do get postpartum depression, though, because motherhood is very overwhelming. Somehow I have found my way through it and have been able to dodge those dark thoughts. I can't help but feel very blessed in that regard.
I love my life with my little baby.
She does new things everyday and it's so cute to see her personality shine. She already has a very specific, yet indescribable personality. And I love it!
Having a baby is very much a changing game. Just when you get one thing figured out with their schedule, something else changes. It's a never-ending readjustment. But in a good way.
Through all of the tiny and big parts of our baby story I have learned that patience and faith concur all.
Without faith we have no hope. Without hope we would be nothing.
I'll always try to have hope for the good things and wait out the bad with faith.
I wouldn't trade ANY of the bad that has happened before or after having Grace. I think everything we've experienced has brought us to where we need to be in life.
Now Grace is almost eight months old and she's doing so much! She's pulling herself up on furniture and crawling at the speed of light! She's laughing so much more now and remembers where certain things are around the house. She has about a million nicknames that I'm always changing....so much so that I sometimes I wonder if she'll ever really know what her real name is.
I would have never imagined that a single smile could make me feel so loved and complete. It really does though. I love that little girl!
I know I'd be nowhere without my Gracie Grace and Jeff by my side. They are the best for me.
Friday, January 30, 2015
Baby Life Ramblings
It's almost February! *mind boggled*
Life goes by so fast and sometimes so slow. There is never a good in between.
That seems like how everything in life is though. People are either REALLY happy or REALLY upset or REALLY something or other.
I can't get on Facebook without people seeming like their lives are an extreme of some kind.
I admit, I generally only post the happy snipets of my life on Facebook....cause seriously, nobody wants to see the sad stuff. The sad stuff makes people uncomfortable. The sad stuff makes people rant to their husbands about you. The sad stuff is the stuff that gets you unfollowed or blocked. The sad stuff is just sad. Who wants to see that?
Answer: People who live for the sad stuff.
Haha.
Life has been really busy lately.
With Jeff gone a lot it's been on me to do some extra things for our lives, which has been good for the most part.
I've also started teaching harp lessons to Jeff's aunt which has made me fall head over heels again for my harp. Teaching is fun. Lots of times I don't feel qualified, but I just have to keep telling myself I am.
The babies are getting SO mobile. My life is totally changing in that way. Zach crawls at the speed of light and cruises on all the furniture pretty fast too. He's been falling a lot, which is mostly sad, but kind of funny. (I guess I'm one of those people that laughs when people fall......that's probably not very nice)
Grace has started crawling this last week! She generally will go 2-3 strides and then give up and sit down, haha. She's the happiest baby though. She loves smiling at everything, especially Zach. In the morning when I get her out of her crib and bring her into the living room I'll tell her that Zach is here and she starts beaming when she sees him.
Grace has a pretty strict schedule and she totally thrives because of it. She wakes up, eats, naps, plays, and goes to sleep at the same times everyday. I think that's why she does so well sleeping at night. I'm very grateful for that. I think structure is so essential for babies and little kids.
Working with kids, especially autistic kids, in the past I've learned that there is a need to learn flexibility, but when they are so tiny like Grace the structure is comforting to them.
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Life goes by so fast and sometimes so slow. There is never a good in between.
That seems like how everything in life is though. People are either REALLY happy or REALLY upset or REALLY something or other.
I can't get on Facebook without people seeming like their lives are an extreme of some kind.
I admit, I generally only post the happy snipets of my life on Facebook....cause seriously, nobody wants to see the sad stuff. The sad stuff makes people uncomfortable. The sad stuff makes people rant to their husbands about you. The sad stuff is the stuff that gets you unfollowed or blocked. The sad stuff is just sad. Who wants to see that?
Answer: People who live for the sad stuff.
Haha.
Life has been really busy lately.
With Jeff gone a lot it's been on me to do some extra things for our lives, which has been good for the most part.
I've also started teaching harp lessons to Jeff's aunt which has made me fall head over heels again for my harp. Teaching is fun. Lots of times I don't feel qualified, but I just have to keep telling myself I am.
The babies are getting SO mobile. My life is totally changing in that way. Zach crawls at the speed of light and cruises on all the furniture pretty fast too. He's been falling a lot, which is mostly sad, but kind of funny. (I guess I'm one of those people that laughs when people fall......that's probably not very nice)
Grace has started crawling this last week! She generally will go 2-3 strides and then give up and sit down, haha. She's the happiest baby though. She loves smiling at everything, especially Zach. In the morning when I get her out of her crib and bring her into the living room I'll tell her that Zach is here and she starts beaming when she sees him.
Grace has a pretty strict schedule and she totally thrives because of it. She wakes up, eats, naps, plays, and goes to sleep at the same times everyday. I think that's why she does so well sleeping at night. I'm very grateful for that. I think structure is so essential for babies and little kids.
Working with kids, especially autistic kids, in the past I've learned that there is a need to learn flexibility, but when they are so tiny like Grace the structure is comforting to them.
They are starting to think sharing isn't fun. And the old tv remote that I let them play with is both their favorite. Ha ha ha ha. Zach's claw of rage is hilarious to me, ha ha.
This is usually what is happening. Grace prefers to sit and Zach prefers to be horizontal to the ground, so she ends up climbing on him a lot.
The differences in their faces in this picture makes me laugh. I don't remember why he was mad.....but at least Grace was happy!
They both LOVE the highchair! Probably cause it means they get food!
Getting so big!!!!
I love her and her little happy face!
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
I am and I'm not
There are lots of things I am.
I'm a wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, babysitter, LDS church member...
There are things I'm good at.
I'm good at playing, understanding, and learning with children. I'm good at thanking people who need to be thanked. I'm a good listener, in fact I prefer to listen.
I'm good at keeping my house clean and making my baby happy.
I'm good at making people I'm comfortable with laugh. I'm good at making people I'm not comfortable with feel awkward.
There are lots of things I am NOT.
I'm not a runner. I'm not even a person who goes out of their way to sweat for enjoyment (aka playing sports).
I'm not a baker or a chef or a person who is great at making dinner for her family.
There are things I'm NOT good at.
I'm not good at waiting for big life events to pan out. I'm not good at letting my baby cry, even if it's good for her.
I'm not good at being home alone at night, because every noise is a burglar.
I'm not good at playing my harp as often as I should. Or keeping it tuned.
I could probably come up with more, but let's not get depressed here, ha ha.
Of all those things, I AM the kind of person that wants to fix the things I'm not good at. I am the kind of person who wants to turn the things I'm not into the things I am. And I always want to make the things that I already am better.
So it's January. Does that mean I'm making resolutions?
No, not really.
I wasn't even that resolute about anything a couple weeks ago when the calendar changed.
And I think a big reason I don't make resolutions is because the pressure of that is no fun.
Jeff and I talk often about things we could change or be better at, and we work on it. But one thing I've discovered over the years of working on it, is I'm more likely to fail if I try to make 180 degree changes of my life instantly.
Yes, I want to be a runner and I've been working on it, but I'm not going to run a marathon (or a 5k) (okay, seriously, or even a 1k) tomorrow. I did run four times last week though. Seriously I should be hearing some amazing applause right now!
I've made dinner every night for my family this week, but really it's only Wednesday (victory!).
I've tuned my harps everyday this week (it's Wednesday), I fixed my broken strings, and I'm resolving (pressure) that I'll actually play places for money by the summer time.
Even with making changes like that....little or big.....my life is pretty great. I'm in awe every day at the happiness that erupts from my daughter. She's such a bright light in my life! She's always smiling and always exploring.
And now even with Jeff doing his masters and getting home pretty much after 9:00 every night, I still love how we never stop laughing with each other amid what could be a stressful time in our lives. He's ridiculously supportive when he could be pretty absent due to his schedule. He's a fantastic dad, and it shows when Grace sees him walk through the door and starts beaming and squirming like she wants her dad. He makes her even happier than she already is!
My life is pretty awesome even with the things I'm not.
I'm a wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, babysitter, LDS church member...
There are things I'm good at.
I'm good at playing, understanding, and learning with children. I'm good at thanking people who need to be thanked. I'm a good listener, in fact I prefer to listen.
I'm good at keeping my house clean and making my baby happy.
I'm good at making people I'm comfortable with laugh. I'm good at making people I'm not comfortable with feel awkward.
There are lots of things I am NOT.
I'm not a runner. I'm not even a person who goes out of their way to sweat for enjoyment (aka playing sports).
I'm not a baker or a chef or a person who is great at making dinner for her family.
There are things I'm NOT good at.
I'm not good at waiting for big life events to pan out. I'm not good at letting my baby cry, even if it's good for her.
I'm not good at being home alone at night, because every noise is a burglar.
I'm not good at playing my harp as often as I should. Or keeping it tuned.
I could probably come up with more, but let's not get depressed here, ha ha.
Of all those things, I AM the kind of person that wants to fix the things I'm not good at. I am the kind of person who wants to turn the things I'm not into the things I am. And I always want to make the things that I already am better.
So it's January. Does that mean I'm making resolutions?
No, not really.
I wasn't even that resolute about anything a couple weeks ago when the calendar changed.
And I think a big reason I don't make resolutions is because the pressure of that is no fun.
Jeff and I talk often about things we could change or be better at, and we work on it. But one thing I've discovered over the years of working on it, is I'm more likely to fail if I try to make 180 degree changes of my life instantly.
Yes, I want to be a runner and I've been working on it, but I'm not going to run a marathon (or a 5k) (okay, seriously, or even a 1k) tomorrow. I did run four times last week though. Seriously I should be hearing some amazing applause right now!
I've made dinner every night for my family this week, but really it's only Wednesday (victory!).
I've tuned my harps everyday this week (it's Wednesday), I fixed my broken strings, and I'm resolving (pressure) that I'll actually play places for money by the summer time.
Even with making changes like that....little or big.....my life is pretty great. I'm in awe every day at the happiness that erupts from my daughter. She's such a bright light in my life! She's always smiling and always exploring.
And now even with Jeff doing his masters and getting home pretty much after 9:00 every night, I still love how we never stop laughing with each other amid what could be a stressful time in our lives. He's ridiculously supportive when he could be pretty absent due to his schedule. He's a fantastic dad, and it shows when Grace sees him walk through the door and starts beaming and squirming like she wants her dad. He makes her even happier than she already is!
My life is pretty awesome even with the things I'm not.
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