My Brain on Wednesday/Saturday

From Wednesday Night:

Sometimes you just don't feel like working on your research paper that's due next Monday. Tonight is one of those times. I seem to blog a lot when I don't want to do homework. Hmmm...oh well. :)

My research paper is on Asian Indian families (...........like people from India. If I said Indians everyone would think Native Americans :) ). It shouldn't be too hard once I actually do it. It's only eight pages and I've done all the research already. I just need to write it. Justification, right? Mmmmm hmmm.

I've always loved India for some reason. When I was younger people would ask me if I could go anywhere in the world where would it be and I would say India. Everyone else would say all the normal places like..........Italy or Ireland or China....but not me. It was always India. For some reason the third world thing fascinates me. I got a taste of that when I went to Indonesia, I suppose.

Today at work at the end of the day I was playing with a fourth grade girl and her kindergarten brother while we were waiting for their mom to pick them up. They wanted to play tag (what they really wanted was for me to chase them). As I was chasing them (aka running behind them close enough to scare them, but not actually getting them....I've become a pro at this) the fourth grade girl kind of stopped and said to me: "Amber, you're really good with children!" and then kept running.

It made me laugh so hard! Ha ha ha ha ha. It boosted my self esteem that a CHILD would say that to me, but it was just hilarious how she said it. She's one of those children that really wants to sound mature all the time, but still loves being a kid and playing. I've noticed that a lot with the kids around that age. They are kind of stuck between wanting to be little and wanting to look cool and older.

I love the kids at my job. They have taught me a completely different culture than I'm used to and I love it. Most of our kids are Latino which in all honestly I wasn't really used to before I started this job. Before I worked this job I really hadn't had a lot of close contact with many Latinos. They have such a fun culture though. They are a lot more affectionate than any other kids I've ever worked with which is funny sometimes. I'm constantly having children hug me or holding my hand.

It's kind of fun experiencing different cultures. It's definitely opened my eyes to what other people are like and how they handle life.

From Today:

 Sorry, I never finished the post from Wednesday so I thought I would tack it on to what I'm saying today!

I'm in a dilemma. Okay, it's not a dilemma to anybody but me, but still it's a big deal to me! The reason it's a big deal is because the universe is out of order and when that happens my brain doesn't stop till it fixes. 

Along with my student teaching I have to do "work experience". It's 135 hours of a practicum/internship. Basically I get to test taste a career.

Well, for the LONGEST time (probably two years) I've been wanting to work for the Baby Watch program/early intervention.

I had this brilliant plan that they would hire me and I could work there for the next year while Jeff finishes his bachelor's (he'll be getting it next December). Only, the other day my supervising professor told me that it's supposed to be an UNpaid internship.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek.

So now I don't know what to do. Due to logistics and other types of long explanations that I don't want to go into it's not really possible for me to get paid at the early intervention "job".

(unless they have a job opening.......which believe me, I've checked everyday for the past three months and there never is anything. Plus I've talked to the coordinators at Davis and Weber County and they both said no dice as far as openings come)

It's through the school districts and they don't do internships in the first place so if they did it would definitely have to be unpaid and it's only going to work out if they really like me....blah blah blah.

OR I COULD go to a good preschool and get a job (yes, paid job) there and count that as my "work experience". I could. But do I want to?

I mean, ultimately after my children are grown up and in school I want to do preschool out of my home............but that's what my student teaching is preparing me for. I really wanted to do the early intervention job because I wanted to, like I said, taste test if it would be something I'd want to do as a career.

Ok, so in the end this doesn't seem like a big deal to anybody, but me. And maybe I'm ridiculous, but I just hate not knowing how things are going to turn out.

If I got an internship with early intervention then it would be just that. An internship. Short term. So in a lot of ways a preschool job would be BETTER cause then I could keep it, like I said, for the year I need till Jeff graduates...........or beyond that. 

The closer I get to graduation the more I realize how I want to work for awhile. Two years ago when Jeff and I got married I was BEYOND baby hungry and was planning out to have a baby like the month after I graduated, ha ha ha. But now that I'm so close I realize that I really actually want to do something with it? It meaning my degree? I don't know if that makes sense. In the end, I've gone to a university for 4 1/2 years, I want to do something with it. I'm not saying I want to give up motherhood for ten years, cause that's not even close to what's on my mind.

But A year....maybe.

I think about all of the things that I'm going to do as a stay-at-home mom and it makes me really excited.......but also a little nervous.

I think it's interesting being part of the generation where women are becoming incredibly independent and want careers more than ever before. I haven't really caught the career fever, because I will be staying home and raising my kids, but I still think I'll feel some guilt in not working. Whenever I ask Jeff if it's okay that I'm not going to work he always gets mad (okay, not truly mad) and says that all he's ever wanted was to be the provider and let his wife stay home.

Is it normal to still feel guilty though?

He did tell me that other night though that he thinks my job (being a stay-at-home mom) will be much harder than any job he'll ever do. That made me look at it in a different way which was good.

One thing that I always tell myself will be different once I'm a stay-at-home mom is I'll be able to cook more and be better at it. (Any stay-at-home mom that's reading this is shaking her head no like that's not true) I really want to try though. I know it's not realistic, but you have to realize............I go to school full-time and work........then when I'm not doing those things I'm writing papers or studying for tests. I have NO time. When I'm staying home.........even with a crying baby and all of the responsibilities I'll have...I find it hard to believe that I won't have at least a little bit more time than I do now.

Another thing I want to do is play my harp. Ugh.........I want to play so bad. It makes me sad a lot to look at it and not have time to play. That's one thing I really hope I'll have time for. Even after I graduate and am working, I hope that the lack of school will give me time for that.

Anyways, enough of those hopes and dreams. I think I'm just a worrier and think too much. My great-grandma was a worrier. My grandma was too. My mom is......and my sister and I are now.

It's genetic.

Or learned.

Nature Vs. Nurture.... don't even get me started on that.

Well, that research paper I wrote about on Wednesday? I'm about 66% done. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand the other 34% is about to commence as soon as I hit publish on this post.........