That more than adorable baby had an extremely sick mommy when this picture was taken.
Would anybody that scrolled past this picture on social media think that?
No.
I am sure my caption was what any other idealistic Instagram caption is, since close to everyone shares the highs of their lives and very rarely any type of low.
When this picture was taken I was in diabetic keto acidosis (DKA) three years ago.
By the word of a dozen doctors I should have been dead.
Basically, my pancreas had completely failed which made my blood sugar levels so acidic that my body was close to shutting down all its other organs.
I had been living like that......well, I'm sure it was somewhat of a progression..... for about a month.
I had no idea.
I had always been a healthy person.
I had rarely seen a doctor for any reason before that time in my life.
I remember trying to carry Grace from her bedroom to the living room (she was 10 months old) and I couldn't do it. Literally 10 feet to walk and I couldn't do it.
I was stubborn.
I thought it was just me being dumb and the consequences of being a tired mom.
My heart rate immediately spiked when I tried to do anything. Even sitting calmly my heart seemed to pound more than normal.
I did not know that my body was dying.
I'll never forget that feeling of being in DKA.
When my vision started getting blurry Jeff and I knew we were past due to get real help.
We went to the emergency room and I was admitted to the hospital for 3 days.
I was very far gone at this point.
I only remember snippets and parts of what happened the first couple days in the hospital.
I was hooked up to four IVs.
I remember the concerned look on Jeff's face. And every time I tried to tell him I needed to take care of Grace he just shushed me and told me she was okay.
My life changed forever in those three days.
While they were able to bring me back to life, in the end I still had to take Type 1 Diabetes home with me.
One moment from the last day that I was in the hospital that I'll never forget was when a doctor and nurse practitioner came and sat down to talk to Jeff and I about diabetes management.
Growing up I had heard about Type 1 Diabetes very briefly. I had a teacher in high school who had it, but the only thing I knew from that was she told us that she might have to eat a candy bar during class sometime if her blood sugar was off.
I had heard about friends of friends who had it. They had gotten it as a child and I knew it was a hard thing to live with.
I really had no idea what it really meant though.
Everyone hears about diabetes in the news. For the most part that was me too, I only knew what I had heard in the media.
So when the doctor and nurse practitioner came in to talk to Jeff and I they started describing the kinds of treatment I would need to do every day.
I would need to give myself insulin every time I ate. I would need to check my blood sugar so many times a day.
I remember this all so vividly.
I can see the hospital room where we were.
I can see them sitting across from me and Jeff.
I remember interrupting them at one point and saying: "What types of food should I eat? Or should I avoid? Or how many carbs do I need to restrict myself to?"
They looked at each other and then back at me and said, "You can eat the same as any other healthy person. You have Type 1 Diabetes, not Type 2."
Type 1 Diabetes is an auto immune disease, which is different from Type 2 Diabetes being a metabolic disease.
Type 2 Diabetics (which is 90% of diabetics in the world) can handle the majority of their management by eating healthy. In a real way, that is why so many people just assume that diabetes equals not being able to eat sugar.....because for 90% of the diabetics in the world, that's what is going to help them.
Somehow I magically ended up in the other 10%.
Being a Type 1 Diabetic......it wouldn't matter if I only ate leaves and carrots the rest of my life, I would still need to take insulin.
That conversation with the doctor and nurse practitioner was pivotal for me at the time of my diagnosis.
Have I felt like a normal person that can eat whatever they want these past three years?
Ha ha.
No.
And yes in lots of ways!
Type 1 Diabetes is crazy.
I have never been so medically and physically aware of myself 100% of the time as I have been these past three years.
There is a lot of thought put in to each time I eat, because I have to give myself insulin, calculate what my current blood sugar level is, think about where my levels will be a couple hours after I eat....
I have to be conscious of my blood sugar all the time if I want to stay healthy.
Do you know what that does to your brain?
It's draining on the brain, is what it is.
But do I want to stay healthy?
Uh, yes!
If I didn't care I could easily slip back to where I was when that cute little baby got her picture taken in a swing for the first time. It wouldn't take much to get there.
The other night Jeff and I woke up at 2:00 AM to my monitor beeping that my blood sugar was low.
I guess I had given myself too much insulin at dinner time and needed to eat something extra.
Jeff didn't complain about getting up and finding me food.
He never does.
Jeff's the ultimate caregiver, as weird of a word as that is to use.
That makes me sound like I can't do things for myself, but really, sometimes I can't.
He's the ultimate cheerleader.
He always encourages me to keep going when I am just fed up with having to live this way.
He is the best at sticking up for me.
We have had too many times to count where people have said less than nice things about diabetes around me and he never looks away. He stands up and tells them the truth.
That being said, I have been very lucky to have people in my life who tread lightly, but still tread on the subject of diabetes in my life.
Jeff's siblings are really supportive of my diabetes. They always ask about it, but never in a pushy, needing to know things way.
Living with a chronic illness is isolating, but at the same time can be hard to talk about purely due to lack of understanding.
I have many people in my life who are always so kind to me though.
It's a huge part of my life!
From the doctors appointments...
....to the site changes....
....to the prescription refills....
....to checking my blood sugar many times a day....
.....to the endless calls to customer service to get the care I need....
....to giving myself insulin whenever I eat....
....to the highs that make me an angry mom.....
....to the lows that make me sad and crying mom....
It's a main part of my life, and unfortunately my children's and husband's lives.
Would I change my life so I didn't have diabetes?
Yes.
Would I change what I have learned because of having diabetes?
No!
Diabetes.....
....as ugly and rude and horrible as it is has given me the opportunity to be more understanding.
It has given me the chance to see how strong I am.
I am NOT letting it stop me from being me.
In the three years I have had diabetes I have given birth to 1 (almost 2) new babies.
I have had healthy, albeit normal, pregnancies which always surprises every new doctor I see.
I am not letting it stop me from being a mom.
I am not letting it stop me from living the best life I can have.
I know what it's like to lay in a hospital bed, helpless, and given a second chance at life.
I hope I can always remain in positivity and do what I need to do to stay as healthy as I am today.
My reason for doing what I do everyday!
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