*musical note*

My stomach is in knots as I type this. Why?? I must be nervous.

*sigh* Nothing never goes as planned.

I'm declared as an Elementary Education major right now. The first year of school I was like..."YEEEEEAH BUDDY!!!" The second year of school when I actually became a part time teacher I was like "WOOOOOW, the school district is messed up!"

I LOVE teaching. I honest to goodness love it. I can totally see myself being a teacher, and that's why the feelings I've been having lately make me so nervous.

What feeilngs you may ask? Well, I kind of want to change my major. I don't want to change it because I hate the idea of teaching. Like I just said, I love teaching and I love kids! However, there is so much baggage that comes from being a teacher. School districts state wide are just so messed up. Teachers have always been under paid, even though that's really the least of their worries. You really have to be in it only for the pure joy of teaching, because if you don't hold on to that....all of the crap you get from the school district, parents, etc. can be a little too much.

Tangent.

I swear this will tie in.

I'm a harpist. However....I feel a little bogus saying that.

Let me explain.

I started playing the harp when I was 14. I got a little 1 1/2 foot harp for about 500 dolla and it was really cute and what not. Well, I grew out of it in about 3 months. .........so when I was 16 I bought my huge 6 foot, 13,000 dollar harp.

It was a huge commitment that I had no idea I was even getting myself into. All I knew was I loved the harp and I loved that I was good at it.

To this day I can honestly say that I have never been very devoted to being a harpist, hence, I feel bogus. It literally makes me cry sometimes because I realize how much talent I COULD have and WOULD have if I would find time for it. It breaks my heart that I haven't been dedicated to it. Not only because it's so freakin expensive, but also because it's really different from the normal every day instrument. It's such a special instrument and I'm not living up to it's expectations.

I'm really good at sight reading. I took harp lessons for a number of years and every week my teacher thought I was getting better, when in reality I could just sight read well and she was impressed.

Well, I don't want to cheat my way through things anymore. It's ridiculous.

I look into my future and all I can see is a family.

I've been trying to zero in on the idea of a mission, but my mind will always avert back to the idea of having a family. What does that mean? It means I'm supposed to be a mom, duh!

And, see, I already knew that. I already knew that the main main main thing in my life would be that I'm going to be a mom. I'm obviously not going to post what my patriarchal blessing says, but much of what it says has to do with my future family and motherhood. Honestly, it's my calling in life. I know that. Heavenly Father knows that. I'm just having trouble figuring out what I'm supposed to do to get there and prepare myself to get there.

As I look into this future of being a mom and raising a family....being a harpist is one of the best ideas I could possibly have. Being a teacher is good for moms too, but teaching is a FULL time job. I wouldn't be able to be a teacher when my kids are babies.

But I CAN be a harp teacher and perform places when my kids are little. Harpists make really good money too, in all honesty.

*sigh*

So the question is:

Do I change my major to music and get a performing arts degree in like "Music Performance" with an emphasis of the harp??

Or....do I just forget about all of these thoughts I've been having?

I guess that is two questions.

I was just talking to my friend who was a music major at Weber and he was telling me how rewarding it is, but how hard it is to be a performance major. He said I'd have to practice about 3 hours a day and what not.

That's the part that scares me.

I don't have enough confidence in myself to actually believe I could do that. Physically, yes, I could do that....but I would let all of these degrading thoughts and justification thoughts of how I'll just practice later....it's ok if I practice tomorrow, type things get in my head and then I'd fail.

I feel like I've already failed enough with the harp.......it just scares me a lot to think that I'd let myself down again. And again. And again. :(

But, really, there is this nagging feeling that I need to do it. I have this amazing, beautiful, heavenly instrument, that IF I did put all of that effort into it, I COULD be amazing along with it.

I just don't know what is best for me. I know Heavenly Father knows though. Sometimes I wish we could get huge signs written in the stars saying "yes" or "no" to our questions.

I know my Heavenly Father loves me too much to make it that easy though. I know that patience is important to eternal progression, because without patience we won't become perfect.

I went to the temple yesterday with my dad and sister and it was a really good experience! I'm so grateful to have righteous people in my life. I'm so grateful that my dad lives righteously so he can hold the priesthood and take me to the temple.

There is so much lasting peace in the temple. Even though my parents are divorced and both remarried, I know that I will be with ALL of my family for eternity. Some people might look at our situation and think that we are a broken family and it doesn't work that way, but I know because of how righteous all of my parents that we will all be together for....forever!

Heavenly Father doesn't want us to be sad. And yet....I'm crying right now....ha ha. He doesn't want us to be sad, because He can see the end. He can see the joy that we will have because of our temple covenants that seal us together! And really, that's all that matters!

I'm going to have a family someday and my husband and I will get to be together forever, because of those covenants we are going to make. So really.....why am I crying? I don't need to worry about this whole college thing. I mean....yeah I should probably pray and decide about it....but Heavenly Father doesn't want me to be so down on myself. Satan does....Satan doesn't think I could EVER be a music major.

I guess I'll think about it for a week or so.

*While I am in my early years...I'll prepare most carefully, so I can marry in God's temple for eternity.*